Weekend Feature: How to make a voodoo doll…


This was written as a joke for someone I used to chat with on an online forum. I enjoyed writing it up, as I enjoy writing satire. It goes without saying, that you can't actually make a voudou poppet by following these instructions; and if you do, you deserve everything bad that happens to you.


**disclaimer: even following these instructions perfectly doesn’t imply that it will work. I am in no way responsible for your lack of mojo… take it up with your local Santeros, and if she doesn’t smack you, I will :p **
Use at your own Risk!!

  1. Decide which person you really really want to get vengeance on. This might take some time, so feel free to make a list, narrowing it down to the one bastard who deserves pain and tormrnt.
  2. You’ll need the following ingredients:
    1. cotton cloth, about 1 sqaure foot
    2. cotton stuffing
    3. some sort of herb, I recommend wolf-bane, but I don’t use it, it irritates me *grin*
    4. cotton thread
    5. hair, fingernail clippings or clothing of the person you’re going to hex
    6. hat pins (as many as necessary, you can get them at most department stores, or use loooong stick pins)
  3. Cut out a “poppet”, use your hand as a guide if you need to. Make sure you give the poppet a head, two arms and two legs. Turn it inside out, and sew the edges closed, leaving about 1 inch gap along the side.
  4. Turn it right-side out, and begin stuffing it with the cotton batting and herb. Put your hair &ct in with the cotton, and your herbs. When you’ve got it nice and full, tuck the ends in and sew it closed.
  5. Dressing your poppet is easy, you can paint the clothes on, use scraps of the ‘evil ones’ clothes to fashion them, or leave the poppet naked… the choice is yours.
  6. If you wish, you can glue the face of your ended evil one on the poppet’s head. Just cut out a photo graph to the right size, and use Elmer’s. If you do this, let it dry over night.
  7. Now you have your poppet… and it should look something like the enteded victim, I mean, the perpetrator of your misery. Concentrate on that rat-bastard, and imagine all that pouring into the doll, making this doll part of that nasty asshat.
  8. Stick with pins at will.

There you go, voodoo dolls in less than 10 steps :D

Don’t blame me, if you all start suffering strange maladies like painful legs, and impotence… that’s not my fault…

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