If I want your advice...

TW: Some talk of domestic violence from parents, and death threats. If you're in a place where the passing mention of this kind of abuse would cause you harm, please skip this one, and go look at kittens on the internet until you feel better! Kittens help that, a lot!

If you're being abused, please, please know you're not alone! Please reach out, and get help. You can even email me, and I'll try to research local stuff to help you where you are, if you can't do that safely. Call the police, make a report, speak with your college (or even high school) counselors. 

You Fucking Matter! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

I'm reminded of that old joke: two spouses are arguing, about what depends on the joke teller. Finally one says, exasperated, "I was just giving you my opinion!" The other says, "Well, if I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!"

This has been kicking around in my head for about four weeks; I promise the blog title will make sense, just hold on for the ride!

For many reasons, but the biggest one is because my first adult vacation is coming up. I'm technically on vacation now, started officially at 5pm last night; and I'm flying to Michigan, going home, for 10 days.

Now, for many people, going "home" for a vacation is unequivocally a good thing.They see old friends, their families, favourite places, things that bring back happy memories of their childhoods. For me, there's more negative than positive... because Michigan is where my bio-mother lives. And now, Michigan is where my beloved daughter lives, with my bio-mother.

When my daughter moved out, at 18, to start her adult life, and set forth on her own journey, I knew she was going to go to Michigan to live with Barb. I knew it as soon as she told us she was going from Georgia to Michigan with "her friend". She didn't know we knew... but she's always thought she could pull one over on us, and we let her believe that. Sometimes you have to pretend to be ignorant, in order to will at the long game... she hasn't figured that out yet, and because I am the opposite, temperament-wise, from my daughter (and my bio-mother), she underestimates me... and I'm strangely comfortable with that.

Since moving out, my daughter has called a few times, checking in, and letting me know something of her life. I appreciate the calls, and thought her Mother's Day gift was adorable (a Steam copy of Voodoo Vince, remastered!). I also know she expects me to advise her, tell her what to do, how to live, and what she should think.

And I won't do that. I have not offered one piece of advice to her since she left. The last time I told her anything advice-adjacent, was when I explained how to get through airport security. When I dropped her off, I told her "I love you, I'll miss you! Make me proud!" and watched her walk away. That's it. Not "be good",  not "call me".

My job as advising parent was done. She was stepping out into her unknown, making her own journey, and I wasn't going to clutter it up. I want her to fly, far and free... even if I disagree vehemently with what she's doing, and how. I can't live her life, and her problems and choices aren't my problems any more.

That's basically what parenting is: you raise your kid, teaching them how to adult before they need to, so they can practice those skills. You love them as hard as you can, do the best you can, and then let go. For some people letting go is the hardest part. For me, hanging on as long as I had to with her was. She was in and out of juvie, on electronic monitoring for about a year altogether, has 4 probation officers, and I felt like we were on a first name basis with the bailiff for her judge. I talked to her PO's and lawyer like they were work acquaintances, and they did the same for me! It was 5 long years... and no matter what I did, how I pushed, what I asked for, or demanded, the therapists we paid for-- nothing changed. She was going to do what she wanted, when she wanted, and there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it.

She is 18, and has felonies on her record from her juvenile court cases. They won't go away. She made that choice... and even her judge was disappointed.

So, it was really fucking hard to hang on, to keep doing what I had to do, to keep trying. So when I was able to let go, it was a relief. I think it may have been a relief for her too.

I stopped giving advice about the time she turned 17, because I knew it wasn't desired any more. And besides, what could I do? She wasn't listening anyway.

I knew as a teen that there were many things I would not do as a parent. And, for the most part, I haven't done them.

My Nmother** (as I'll refer to her from now on), however, was always full of advice. Often bad, sometimes terrible! And if I didn't take it, with gratefulness, for her wisdom so kindly bestowed upon me, I was-- well, many awful things. She threatened to sue me for custody of my children, threatened to kill me, threatened to help my ex get custody, said she'd straight up kidnap my kids... the list goes on and on. I wasn't "fit", and somehow, the woman who beat the shit out of me and my sister, who bruised us, and made us bleed, who emotionally abused us for years was.

I didn't take her advice. Especially as it went from dribbles to an avalanche, the closer I got to 30. Yes, 30. She must have realised by that point that she had failed to make me into her own image, and so had to keep pushing, "advising", so I'd turn into someone acceptable to her.

And still I didn't take her advice.

I walked my own path.
Stepped along my own journey.
Set forth upon my own adventure, and made my own rules about what being an adult meant.

And I'm doing pretty goddamned well, all things considered.
I've hit the hallmarks of adulthood. Car, personal credit cards, mortgage, pets and work. I even have a fancy fucking title at my work! There's an ampersand in it, and everything!! Two out of three kids grown and gone. One is entering high school this fall. Pets are cared for, teen boy is cared for, partner is cared for, and I'm cared for. I even have a hot tub, bitches!

There is a chance that she will try to inflict herself on me while I am in Michigan.

If she does, (probably to bring my daughter, so I "can see her") I'll leave the area immediately. I'm ready for the chaos, if I have to be. And I won't be bullied.

Because I'm very, very done being advised. You can't tell someone "You're not my child", "I am done with you", and then spend the next 9 years trying to insert yourself into their lives. That's not how this works.

When I have been in need of advice, I have in the past, sought out the best person to ask it of; I'll continue to do this in the future. Sometimes it's a friend, the kind of "please can I bounce this off you, and you tell me what you think". Sometimes it's a mentor, a boss, an acquaintance familiar with the "thing" in question.

It's not often though. Usually, I'm the one giving the advice. I don't even know how in the hell that happened, but evidently I give good advice, and so when I'm asked, I think a moment, and then say, "what about...?" or "have you tried...?" Never "Do This", unless it's an emergency. That's not the place of an adviser.

Besides, I feel that, as an adult, to another adult, it isn't my place to "guide" them. They're not little kids any more. I try very hard not to give advice unless I'm specifically asked. And even then I ask a lot of questions, trying to help the person figure it out themselves-- see, they know best where they are, I don't. I can only have a guess.

When it comes to unsolicited advice, that kinda pisses me off.
So I've come up with my own spin on that little joke at the top-- see, told you we'd get there:

If I want your unsolicited advice about myself, and my life: I'll tell it to you.

I honestly and truly hope that others can feel the same way.
I believe that You, (yes, you!) can advise yourself. I believe that you, and only you, know what's best for your life, and your journey.

So, get thee to your life! Live it, love it, it's the only one you have, so make it the best thing ever!!
And don't be afraid to tell someone to stick their unsolicited advice straight up their asses.

-E
PS. Yes, I wrote this before getting on the plane, and scheduled it for Memorial Day evening. I did it on purpose. It I do have to contact the authorities on my vacation, I will most certainly update when I return. I'll also post photos, and tell you all about the places we went. Cross my heart, I promise :)

*I am an ACoN: Adult Child(ren) of Narcissists. This means one or both of our parents-- or the persons who raised us have/had narcissistic personality disorder, often undiagnosed, due to the nature of that personality disorder. (It isn't curable, or really treatable, so "had" means the parent is deceased.) My mother is one, my father is not.

*Nmother: a mother who has narcissistic personality disorder



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