Bad B Movie Review, Part 2
Ah, here we are again, another instalment of the randomly posted Bad B Movie Review. No one told me they thought it was fucking stupid, or would boycott my blog if I did it again, so here it is! Just, please remember, my idea of a bad/good B movie might be different from yours. Some of these films had decent budgets-- just silly stories, or plots that were so think you could shave with them.
This film is Norwegian, so it's in subs. I watched it on Netflix, but if you rent it, you might be able to watch it dubbed.
This is a very very stereotypical zombie movie. Where it gets fun, is the weird comic elements they've thrown in like arterial blood spray-- everywhere!
Your basic story of students on holiday going camping out at a secluded cabin. One of them is skiing in and will meet the rest the next day. On the drive in, one of the gents, fresh off his conscription service talks about avalanches, and how if you spit, watch which way the saliva drops. Then you know in which direction to dig. Now, I live in Arizona, and avalanches aren't much worry here, but damn, I'll remember that one forever! Maybe if I'm ever up north visiting family for Yule and get into a car wreck. Anyway, I'll remember that titbit, that's for sure.
After the obligatory visit by a mysterious stranger warning them that the mountains were “haunted” by Nazi's the group finds some gold and treasure. Of course, this is probably left over from the Nazi's and they leave most of it there.
One leaves to find his girl (the one skiing in) and everyone else hunkers down for the night. Obligatory sexy time, and then suddenly someone gets murdered in the outhouse! And hilarity ensues.
Everyone has about 15 gallons of blood in them, the zombie Nazi's and the humans. Arterial spurt everywhere, and the blood is the perfectly crimson colour of good peanut butter blood-- I would know, I have some in my freezer left over from Hallowe'en.
I won't give away the paper-thin story any more. Suffice it to say the deaths are maniacal, the blood is copious and what little story there is, is drown under interesting, and cringe worthy moments, such as self-repair of a carotid artery (yeah, he sews it up, and duct tapes the wound, WTF!) or self-amputation (so he doesn't get infected... yeah I shrugged too).
5 out of 5 stars-- it's not technically a B movie, it just plays that way
See the world through the eyes of a newly zombie-fied zombie. Yes, it's as cheesy as it sounds. The film switches back and forth between colour and black and white, to show the two different perspectives, and the story is pretty seamless as it does so.
Oddly enough, the story's pretty good, for an obviously lower-budget film. The protagonists get turned into zombies, and are uncertain as to what happened, why the world is so quickly moving, and Oh My God, why is the Army chasing them!
It stays pretty silly and the plot moves quickly enough you won't get bogged down in the details, like what happened to the rest of the radioactive ice cream at the bowling alley? How many other inadvertent zombies were created?
If nothing else, watch it strictly for the ridiculous one liners like, “I'm no soldier! I'm a zombie! [maniacal laughter]”.
4 out of 5-- this one tried just a little too hard in places, but it was fun
Take a couple generic circus/freak show performers, a burlesque dancer, the female lead for a rock band, and a guy by the name of “Pervo the Clown”, throw them at a live webcast on a farm in the middle of the Scottish countryside, add in a weird cult full of half naked women jaunting around in knickers and suspenders, and random masturbation.
This movie is what you get!
I have no idea who Satan is, in this movie. I've tried and tried to figure it out, but I think he was a no-show. What I did see, though, was an entire cast of secondary characters running about almost completely naked, often only in underpants, suspenders and stockings! Bare breasts were everywhere!
A house full of drugged up women in their underclothes, being used by a crazy old man as zombie-research fodder does make for an interesting back drop for this movie, though. I thought it was a nice departure from the normal “zombie virus spreads through the military” plot device. In this one, it's still a virus of sorts, but it's spread through punch (you know, the juice and liquor kind)! And then biting, of course; we can't forget the biting.
There were several spots that had me cringing, but mostly I snickered my way through this one.
3 out of 5 (the shit jokes lowered it for me. I don't think the least bit amusing.)
Dog Soldiers 2002
This one was one my Dad and I have watched several times, just to guffaw at the terrible rubber masks!
A small squad of British soldiers goes on manoeuvres in the Scottish forest. Suddenly all hell breaks loose, because wouldn't you know it! It's the full moon, and there are rumours of werewolves around there. Of course the soldiers don't believe that shite, at least not until a woman helps them and explains she's been studying the werewolves for some time now.
The fight scenes are ridiculously over-done; the one liners are so bad and full of puns you have to laugh in sympathy for the poor actors who had to voice them! But, damn, this movie is funny. I love it, and count it as one of my All Time Favourite Bad Movies.
Of course, my Love rolls his eyes whenever the name of this one is spoken, so you might not like it quite as much.
If nothing else, give it a go just for the bad werewolf costuming. This movie was released in 2002, so you'd figure they'd have better make-up and effects. The rubber is glaring!
5 our of 5
Tune in next time, for Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, The Blob (1958) and Tremors... you know, when I get around to it!