Never have I ever...
Warning: This post deals with topics of a sexual nature from bondage to pegging. If you're uncomfortable exploring your own taboos, or fetishes, please skip this entry. It meanders a bit, as well.
As always, if you're being abused, or are in a sexually abusive relationship please seek help immediately. Fetishes aren't about "me making you do something you don't want to do" but about "us exploring what feels good to us both". No one should ever force or coerce you into doing something you're not comfortable doing, or just plain don't want to do. If you have been in a sexually abusive relationship in the past, and either haven't dealt with it, or are in the midst of dealing with it, you might also want to skip this one. Fetish talk can trigger abuse memories, inadvertently, and I don't want to hurt you.
Always Remember, Safe. Sane. Enthusiastic Consent! Period. Full Stop.
Yesterday I was working in my yard and had a stray thought. You know how those go, they're random, odd, strange, one-off thoughts that make you think to yourself, “Where in the hell did that come from?!”
The errant though, swimming through my head was:“If I'm playing 'Never have I ever', but I did them all, did I win, or lose?”
Now, the last time I played that silly party game was about two years ago on a forum where I used to be a member. (Things got busy for us all, and so the forum closed.) The premise is something you haven't done, but might want to-- or at the least, be open to trying once or twice. Far as I know, those are the only rules: something you haven't done, but want to. One of the women was having a shitty day, and started that thread, just for laughs.
One of the “nevers” that I remember was by a gent I know (he has a redhead fetish of sorts). “Never have I ever... slept with a red head.”
Another one, mine, was, “Never have I ever.... made a sex tape.”
Some members hadn't engaged in anal sex; others had not taken naked photos. One hadn't had sex in a car, and another hadn't had sex outside. One hadn't kissed a girl (she was curious though) and another had never done shots off a woman's breasts (something I recommend. Body shots are so sexy sometimes.)
It was a fun, silly game, and we all had a good laugh. We laughed at ourselves, when we couldn't “never” with everyone else, because we had already done that thing. It was fun, and if you're bored, I recommend you try it. It doesn't have to be all about sex, although that tends to be the premise-- I suppose you can clean it up if you like. You can “never have I ever” about food, games, hobbies, places to visit, anything you can think of! There are so many things to try you'll always have a 'never'.
Why, I wonder, did that come back to me, as I chopped up brambles with thorns as long as an inch. What made that come back?
I thought to myself, was I slut shaming myself?
I don't think I was, to be honest. I didn't feel guilty when I asked myself did I win, or lose. I actually laughed aloud, in the middle of my yard, all alone. I let the snickers sneak out while I kept on putting branches in the rubbish bin, and thought some more about it.
I have to freely admit, that I've done a lot of sexual experimentation over the years. I'd read about something, or hear about something and try it. Why not, I thought, if everyone's OK with it, let's give it a go!
I've been close friends with swingers, open marriages and poly-groups (usually they're triads, but I have known some quads). I've known couples into BDSM as a kink, and as a lifestyle (by this I mean, they enjoy D/s all of the time, not just in bed). I've known escorts, men and woman who hired them; I've been friends with virgins, and kinksters alike, and learned from and some times with, them.
That, of course circled my thinking back around to why people seem to scared to explore their own sexuality. Being called a freak in bed is half-complimentary, half-slut shaming, sometimes. The person is admitting that you're comfortable in yourself, but a little uncomfortable with that fact, too. So they give a back-handed compliment.
Exploring your kinks, fetishes, anything other than “missionary-position in the dark” means you have to be willing to look deep into yourself, and face what might otherwise be terrifying.
For instance, speaking broadly, there is a significant portion of American women who have what's called “rape fantasies”. This doesn't mean they one someone to kidnap and rape them, far from it! They want someone to seduce them in the way I call, “consented force”. This just means she's negotiated-- yes, negotiation is always necessary in actualising fantasies, but we'll get back to that-- with her partner, and decide what's OK, and what's not.
Will he grab her and drag her into the bedroom? Or just hold her down in a half-assed bondage? Are props going to make an appearance, does she get spanked too? Or just held down and “forced” to have an orgasm that rocks her world. See, that's what that fantasy is about, someone holding you still and “forcing” an orgasm on you. You can't fight back, but you also can't completely participate. You can't give pleasure, you're “stuck” on the receiving end of it. That's one reason that bondage is so erotic, that lack of control, the control you willingly give up to your partner, or partners.
Of course it's different from being raped, and in no way detracts from the trauma of being assaulted. But it's also a fantasy. That's the line, the outline if you will.
Some times our fantasies are dark, and scary: heavy bondage and beatings, humiliation and sexually charged torment (including needles and blood letting, I'm sure you get the idea). These fantasies aren't societally OK; they're scary. They make prudes think we are all out to rape and pillage them-- which we aren't.
Some times, our fantasies are bright and shiny: bodice rippers/romance novel sex, sex standing against the door, because you have to have them NOW! It's what I call the “rose petal” fantasies. These are safe, usually society accepts them, and you can see them in movies as well as some of the wildly popular romance novels.
Other fantasies can be gender-bending, what's called little girl play. This isn't about paedophilia. Not in the littlest bit. It's about a gentleman exploring what it would be like to be a little girl, often “taught” by a Dominatrix everything from how to get dressed to how to comb his hair; often it can be hand-in-hand with so-called “sissy training” [that would be a Dominant woman making the man into her little bitch, complete with making him wear tampons in his anus, or pads. From what I know of it, there is nothing that denigrates woman, but the man, for being less than a woman]. There are elements of humiliation, but not sex. Frankly, I find it fascinating, but never explored it, myself.
I guess the only limit on fantasy is you, your lines, the things you can't bear to look at.
When I first started looking at my kinks I scared myself. Here I am, a fairly mild-tempered person, and my fantasies seemed too violent! So dark, so opposite myself. I'm self-controlled, quiet, pacifistic.
But my fantasies, they're dark, full of D/s, beatings, and there's something so very sexy about having a lovely naked woman kneeling before me, as I wield a crop or little paddle. Having her count the strokes, “Thank you, My Lady.” It's beyond description.* The same can be said about whipping a naked, submissive man-- merely magnified about ten times!
I know that this is erotic because it upends gender stereotypes. Woman as Dominant is not the societal paradigm. We're supposed to be submissive, lower ourselves. That's why, I think, so many women have Dominant and submissive fantasies. We switch, from one to the other, depending on what we need at the time, but we switch comfortably-- at least in our imaginations. Sometimes giving control of ourselves over to our partner is the height of arousing; sometimes, wresting control from them is just as sexy.
I never had fantasies of the rose petal variety. Always BDSM, always kinky, always not what was OK. I've also always been fascinated by fetishes, kinks and the various things that turn humans on. So, let's play Never have I ever, with a twist. I'll share some “nevers”, regardless if I want to try them, and discuss the kink, at least a little bit.
So, never have I ever... had a rose petal fantasy. I've never dreamed of a bathtub full of bubbles and candles all around, with slow, seductive “love making”. I never wanted to be seduced with soft and sweet. I want to be thrown around, picked up and moved, do the throwing, the moving!
Never have I ever... wanted to play with infantilism. I never wanted to explore that, and it seems not to be in my kink-tool box at all. I'm curious about it, but can't see where the draw would be. I've pondered, and even spoken to a couple people who engage in it, and I just don't get that one. However, YKIOK1 with me! If you are, or know someone who enjoys this, please let me know. I'd love to know what it is about it that gets you. I may not want to engage in it, but that doesn't mean I toss out anyone who does.
Never have I ever... pissed on anyone. But you know what, I'd be OK with that, I think. If someone really wanted me to, I think I might be able to do that. I understand the dynamics of humiliation, and being pissed on would be pretty humiliating. I also know that people who enjoy water works tend to be highly strung, neat-freaks, so self-contained and self-controlled that being pissed on is not just strumming their embarrassment chords, but their naughtiness ones. It's taboo, and it's enjoyed. So I might be able to hang with that one.
Never have I ever... made a sex tape. Still not. I would like to, I think it'd be fun. But I'd never watch it, so it'd be a waste. I should set up the camera, and just not turn it on. The exhibitionism part would be very erotic, but I have no inclination to see myself on screen having an orgasm. I just don't get turned on by myself. There are plenty of couples (and more) who enjoy exhibitionism and voyeurism. There's something super sexy about being watched, even if it's just your partner taking photographs of you, or watching you tweak your nipples. There's an openness and vulnerability that is extremely arousing.
Never have I ever... played with gender-bending and cross-dressing. I'd like to, I think it'd be a riot. But-- and it's a huge one-- my partner is completely comfortable in his masculinity, and doesn't find such things remotely interesting. So, I'll ponder it, think about it, and fantasise about dressing up some random guy in my bra and panties and then pegging the hell out of him! Such fantasies are very taboo, too. You're turning the gender barriers around, making the man the receiving partner. In your two-gendered couples this isn't the norm (although it is becoming more popular as more people explore pegging). Usually the woman receives in such couples. In gay and lesbian couples, anyone can be the fucker and fuckee-- and I find that awesome. However, this fantasy is a little different. I am talking about a little sissy training, a little gender-bending, and a lot of fun. Plus, I have some very pretty frocks that I'd share. (Fucking a woman is yum, that's all I have to say about that.)
I guess I'm in the minority, but I don't mind. I've talked to many people about their sexual predilections (I love that phrase, mind you) and usually I'm the kinkiest one. But it doesn't bother me. I know what I like, and why I like it, so I don't mind explaining, or discussing some of the things I don't get, or asking about the kinks and fetishes I don't have.
If I come across as abrasive about this kind of thing, I can't apologise. I'm not sorry, see. I want everyone to be OK exploring themselves, and their likes and dislikes. I want to create and maintain an safe space in society for people to talk about, discuss, learn and share their fetishes and fantasies. I want it to be OK to be more than vanilla, I want it to be celebrated when you figure out a new thing that turns you on so hard you orgasm yourself into a stupor. There is so much in society that says it's not OK to like anything remotely more daring than tickling, or if you want to be really naughty, then give your partner a “sensual massage”. What the fuck is that? I used to think it was code for mutual masturbation, but it's not. It's really the “rubbing oil on you and working out your muscle soreness” kind of massage.
That's not sexy, that's relaxing! While I might find a good night's sleep to be irresistible, sensual massage isn't what I'm looking for, if I'm looking for what was teasingly call “a sleeping pill” in my bed. [Shiatsu is pretty sexy! The movement of the energies into and out of your, ebbing and flowing to the massage therapist and you, that's pretty awesome, but you're so drained and out of it afterwards you can't have sex.]
I don't think sex of any kind is evil as long as it's Safe, Sane and Consensual. I don't think porn will ruin your marriage. I don't think that having sex with the lights on is bad at all. It's awesome, and sexy and so very intimate. Touching each other, seeing the looks in your partner's eyes when they're blissed out, that's so purely animalistic and sexy! Making your partner see the Gods, or the centre of the Universe, if you prefer, because the pleasure made their eyes stop focusing is one of the more gratifying aspects of sex. The giving is just as awesome as the receiving.
If you think getting a well lubricated fist inserted gently into your anus is pleasurable, then do it! If you think getting pegged is the be-all, end-all, then find that woman to peg you. If you think porn is sexy, then watch/look at it! If you want to be pissed on, called named, spanked, tied up with clothes-pins on your nipples, then by all means do that too! Sounding, e-stim, food play, you name it, if it does it for you, then enjoy it to the fullest!
If I've freaked you out, because you're more of the rose-petal sort, then I'd offer you this challenge: Go down to your local adult store. Buy a little pocket rocket. Just the small one, they take 3 button batteries. Find yourself a good erotic story featuring bondage, or D/s, spankings, fisting, something that you find titillating or decidedly naughty, but can't admit it aloud, just read it. Don't over think it. Then, immediately, have an orgasm with that little pocket rocket. By. Your. Self.
It'll be much more explosive than your romance novel fantasies, I bet. You've crossed your own taboo, you've been a very naughty reader! And I hope you enjoyed every second of it!
What is never OK, is to make fun of someone for having kinks. Never OK to mistreat someone who has a different bent than you do. Never. It's not OK to call someone a freak if they like sex outdoors, but you prefer it inside. What is taboo, naughty, totally across the line for you might be foreplay for someone else. Did you think of that? On the other hand, those of you who are kinky like me, our idea of vanilla is so completely kinky and full of forbidden-sexiness compared to a vanilla person. We need to remember that, too.
That vanilla person you tease might be a kink just dying to get out! But she/he doesn't know how to escape their confines. Maybe they need your help, Mister or Madame Kinky. So, be open to that, too. You'll be glad you did.
On a side note: It's never OK to call the cops on consenting adults, either. That shit just isn't cool. If you truly think there's a problem in the apartment next door, because you hear moaning, listen for a few more minutes. If you hear someone calling help, or fire, then call 9-1-1. If not, you're living next door to a loud-sexing person. It happens. Get ear buds, turn up the television, or have some loud sexy-time yourself.
Finally, you notice I said not a word about oral or anal sex. I don't consider them to be kinky. They're pretty standard fare as sexy-time goes. Just about everyone does it, and in fact, if you're not having oral sex, you're wrong! Yes, this means you might want to trim the bush a little, or shave the balls, but it'll be worth it, trust me. Giving that kind of pleasure to your partner is first-rate, and can't be codified. There are ways to engage in anal sex safely, and I recommend you always use a condom. There are also ways to have oral sex, with protection, either a condom or dental damn (or a cut open condom, if you're out of dams). Oral sex isn't taboo, or at least it shouldn't be. Anal sex either. They can be very special, very intimate, if you're willing to include them in your repertoire.
*I already said this is the one kink I'll discuss. I have more. A Lot more. I'm a very kinky bitch. I just don't feel comfortable discussing them here, at least right now. I'm comfortable with them, indulging in them, discussing them with my Love and very close friends, but not the world at large.
1 Your Kink Is OK, as opposed to YKINOK, Your Kink Is Not OK-- that's usually reserved for those fetishes that cross the lines of the various kinksters, but for me, they're the big four: paedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia and scat play.