I, uh... I have an eating disorder... and you don't know how hard it is to admit that
Ok, so, what am I doing about it? Now that I see what I'm doing to myself?
Like I said, I'm keeping a food journal. That's a big step for me. I don't monitor my food intake, and that seems to be the problem-- it's easier to fall into bad thinking if you're not being mindful. My food journal is helping me be mindful.
I'm being open and honest about it. So, I'm holding myself accountable-- by sharing this with you, my readers, with my partner and my close friends-- I'm admitting that I do have this problem, and that it scares me. That I can't do it by myself, and I just need someone, anyone out there, to know! If you know, and I know that you know, it's not a deep, dark, shameful secret any more.
I'm trying to kill the shame. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I am nothing to be ashamed of. I'm a human, with so much to give, and I am not the walking embodiment of shame. Not today, not tomorrow, and not again. It's ok to be sad and regretful when I harm someone; but it's not ok to be ashamed of myself, and my everything.
I'm telling myself, that I am enough... even when it feels like a lie. I'll keep repeating it, until it feels and tastes like the truth in my mouth. Until it becomes a refrain of self-love. Until I can say it without shaking, and without stumbling over the words. I Am Enough! Just the way I am, right now.
I'm being careful with my emotions. I'm taking the time to listen to the Peanut Gallery-- because not every voice in it is bad, or says mean things. There are parts of me that are supportive, and I'm going to concentrate on those parts. Together, all of me, can shout down the negativity, if I take the time to listen.
I'm taking every day, as a singular day. I'm not going to worry about my calorie intake from yesterday, or tomorrow. Only today. And if I skip breakfast, which I often do when I'm on vacation (this week is vacation), then I'll shrug, and note to myself that I should have a snack at tea time.
I won't play the game, "Well, some people have it so much worse than me, so my problems aren't worth talking about". I'm sure you all know that game. It's a daily part of living with any kind of chronic illness, whether mental or physical... we all know someone who's daily life is so much harder than ours, who is sicker, or fighting harder to stay afloat, so we don't talk. I'll accept that yes, someone always has it worse, and that doesn't negate my worse right now. Someone always has it better, too, and that doesn't take my better away-- I need to remember that.