Weekend Feature: Deviance Form-- Political Candidates

I wrote this up in 2008 after a conversation with a friend. We both decided that if only politicians would fill out a deviance form, for us, then we'd know who the really perverted ones were-- and could vote for them, confident that "perversions" is merely another word for kinky-awesomeness.

That being said, I'd love it if politicians were brave enough to fill this out, or something like this. First, it'd legitimise BDSM as an acceptable lifestyle and kink. Second, it'd let us know who the sanctimonious adulterers were, before we elected them.

Allow me to add: almost all kinks are A-OK in my book. It's your kink, right? I've got my own, and they're fucking fantastic! So what right do I have to say, ewwwww if I don't find yours attractive? However, paedophilia, necrophilia, bestiality/zoophilia and scat play are absolutely not OK for me. Partly, because three of those are illegal, and partly because shit is filthy. Yes, I realise sodomy is a catch all term for non-procreative sex, and is illegal in some states, although it's uninforcable (ie. oral sex is illegal in Arizona), so the law could change, allowing people to screw their horses. I guess. I'd still be skeeved out about it. Animals, children and corpses Can Not Give Their Consent. 'Nuff said.


Now back to your regularly scheduled funny thought-exercise.

Thank you for your interest in running for office in the United States of America. Due to the influx of sexual deviance and other scandals from our politicians, We, the People, have prepared a form. Please fill out this form, and the affidavit attached, in its entirely. Your answers will be checked with polygraph, and your score will be affected as such. Also know that illegal activity will be reported to the local authorities, post haste.

Name:_________________________________________________________________

Birth Name (if different: __________________________________________________

Birth Date:_____________________________ SSN:____________________________

Current Address: ________________________________________________________

Professed Political Affiliation: _____________________________________________
Your Very Vocal Religious Affiliation:                                                                                    

Your political platform (please be brief):______________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Please check all boxes that apply: (you may check all of them)

Primary list:
□Adultery, serial or hypocritical (circle one)
□Bondage

□Exhibitionism

□Fetishism

□Frotteurism

□Sexual Masochism

□Paedophilia
□Pornography, enjoyment or compulsion (circle one)

□Sexual Sadism

□Transvestic fetishism

□Voyeurism

□Paraphilia Not Otherwise Specified (please explain on the back of this page)

□Zoophilia

If any of the above applies, please continue below. If none apply, please see your nearest mental health professional, as We the People are certain that you have some neurosis which needs addressing, or a stick that needs removing from your ass end.

Secondary list (the definitions have been included to make it easier for you to admit to your deviances) Please circle all that apply. We have taken the liberty of highlighting the one you all surely suffer from, and will continue accordingly:

Agalmatophilia: sexual attraction to statues or mannequins or immobility

Algolagnia: sexual pleasure from pain

Andromimetophilia: sexual attraction towards female-to-male transsexuals

Aquaphilia: arousal from water and/or in watery environments, including bathtubs and swimming pools

Aretifism: sexual attraction to people who are without footwear, in contrast to retifism

Asphyxiophilia: sexual arousal from self-strangulation

Autagonistophilia: sexual arousal from being on stage or on camera

Autoerotic asphyxiation: sexual arousal from self-induced asphyxiation to the point of near unconsciousness

Autogynephilia: a male's sexual arousal in response to the image of himself as female

Autonepiophilia: sexual arousal from impersonating and being treated like an infant

Claustrophilia: sexual arousal from being confined in a small space

Coprophilia: sexual attraction to (or pleasure from) feces

Diaperism: sexual interest in wearing diapers

Emetophilia: (also vomerophilia) sexual attraction to vomiting

Erotic asphyxia: sexual attraction from asphyxia (also called "breath control play" or "strangulation"), including autoerotic asphyxiation

Erotic lactation: (also galactophilia): sexual attraction to human milk or lactating women

Food play: sexual arousal from food, also termed sitophilia

Formicophilia: sexual attraction to smaller animals, insects, etc. crawling on parts of the body

Gynandromorphophilia: sexual attraction to women with penises, men cross-dressed as women, or male-to-female transsexuals.

Gynemimetophilia: sexual attraction towards male-to-female transsexuals

Human animal roleplay: sexual arousal by having oneself or a partner taking on the role of real or imaginary animal

Infanitilism: sexual pleasure from dressing, acting, or being treated as a baby

Katoptronophilia: sexual arousal from having sex in front of mirrors

Klismaphilia: sexual pleasure from enemas

Knismolagnia: sexual arousal from being tickled

Necrophilia: sexual attraction to corpses

Odaxelagnia: sexual arousal associated with biting or being bitten

Peodeiktophilia: sexual arousal from exposing one's penis

Plushophilia: sexual attraction to stuffed animals and/or people dressed in animal costumes

Podophilia: sexual attraction to human feet

Scatophilia: sexual arousal from involving feces

Symphorophilia: sexual arousal from disasters

Trichophilia: sexual arousal from hair

Troilism: (also spelled triolism) sexual interest in watching one's regular sexual partner having sex with a third party, usually unbeknownst to the third party

Urophagia: sexual attraction to drinking urine or watching others drink urine

Urophilia: sexual attraction to urine, including urinating in public, urinating on others, and being urinated on by others;

Vincilagnia: sexual arousal from being tied up

Xenophily: sexual attraction to foreigners (in science fiction, it can also mean sexual attraction to aliens)

And finally, please see the list below and check any which might also apply, or in which you might be interested, we will ensure that the proper fetish professionals contact you as soon as possible. Again, We highlighted the ones you most likely suffer from.

□ Anesthesia fetishism

□ Blood fetishism (also haematophilia)

□ Breast fetishism

□ Breast expansion fetishism

□ Crush fetish

□ Diaper fetishism

□ Doll fetish

□ Fat fetishism (also lipophilia)

□ Foot fetishism

□ Garment fetishism

□ Hand fetishism

□ Hypnofetishism

□ Impregnation fetish

□ Medical fetishism

□ Navel fetishism

□ Nose fetishism (also nasophilia)

□ Panty fetishism

□ Pregnancy fetishism

□Racial fetishism

□Robot fetishism

□Shoe fetishism

□Silk/Satin fetishism

□Smoking fetishism (Capnolagnia)

□Spandex fetishism

□Tickling fetishism (also acarophilia)

□Total enclosure fetishism

□Transformation fetish

□Wet and messy fetishism:

Again, we the People, thank you for your interest in our Government. We understand that a Democratic Republic cannot function without her elected officials to speak with Our voice, and we appreciate your willingness to be that Voice for Us.

We also know that it is impossible to list all possible paraphilias and deviant behaviours in which you might engage. We realise that most politicians innately suffer from domination disorders and will continue to create elaborate fantasies in which to live; however, we will do our best to find the paraphilias which are right for you. Therefore, we thank you for your time, and hope for the best at the polygraph.

© 2008 E. C. All Rights Reserved. For copyright information, or distribution, please contact me at poscgrrl1@live.com